I woke up, feeling like I was sinking. I had been dreaming about broken rope bridges that led to watery graves all night and when I finally opened my eyes, I knew I was on that old familiar downswing. Since my diagnosis, I have been learning to identify how to to stop spinning my wheels and implement a pattern interrupt, so I picked up the Pam Grout book : Art & Soul, Reloaded.
Starting a new journal is like walking up to a microphone in a crowded room and tapping it, anticipating the squeak, the feedback, the hush. In the moment between opening your mouth and speaking, you panic. God, this was the worst idea ever. Who would draw attention to their inner thoughts? Who would direct a spotlight towards their own flaws?
I was so sure that I’d be blazing into my 40s on a winning trajectory. I would have aged gracefully, the sum of my life’s learning, ready to move forwards with fortitude and purpose. But the slide from 39 into 40 was long and slow — its metamorphosis barely recognisable in the dark, so many of my choices unfathomable, so many consequences unbearable.
All of it happening in the fullness of time.
There is finally light seeping through the crack in the chrysalis.
Every year I create a soundtrack that sums up the year – and after many weeks of tweaking and deliberation – here’s 2018’s. I’ve included a few brief words on each track – mostly for my own benefit – but if you’re interested, this is a gigantic piece of my heart, in song form.
1. Something for Kate – Survival Expert
Theme. Variations. Trapped air.